Lately I have been thinking, maybe its because of amazing people around me or maybe its because I don’t have anything special in me, but I wanted to know where I stood in the world. Probably, near the bottom.
I do not know if our fate is sealed or we can forge our own path, but whatever it is, feelings of discouragement will never go away. I have a certain arrogance to me that I want to eliminate. I can acknowledge that other people are amazing, which I admit most of the people around me are, however my inferiority complex just shoots up. Especially if a family members tell me how the children of this and that family are like precious gems. I know I am not good, but somehow it feels like I am being rubbed in the face. And, let me tell you, it is not a fun experience.
Again, I feel like these are petty thoughts will only distract me from my goal..but that’s why I am writing here I guess. I want to get this negative feelings out of me and become more humble, become a better person. And I really really need to drill the importance of hard work in me…man I slack…a lot.
So, I shouldn’t care where other people stand, but I do. I need to stop it. STAAAAAP me..don’t think that way. From this day on I promise to not think of those things, to just do what I do…which is nothing.
I may not be talented in sports, music or things, I may not be that great in studies, I may not know anything at all..but I have amazing parents that look at me as if I am their world (at least half of it, because I have a sibling who gets the other half). I have three people that love me no matter what talents I have, they love me no matter where I stand in competitions, no matter how better their friends’ kids are than me. They love me.
I have this amazing support system waiting for me across the sea, so what if I am not as great as the kids here? These kids are good people who would be lovely friends. It’s not the kids who make me feel this way, it’s the grown ups…but again, my brain is mine, nobody what goes through it. Nobody knows me like my father, mother, and sister. So I may not be great in my relatives eyes, but I have my parents. I will always have their thoughts for me, their presence in me. Damn, I need to stop getting so negative..I am usually not like this. It has been building up I guess.
Anyways, my first job is almost ending because Uni starts in about a month.I do not know how I feel about it ending..especially since I have to present something at the end. Public speaking is a horror show, watch me stuttter (did I? *Marianas Trench reference, virtual high five*) I do not want to go back to studying and testing but I know I have to. Ugh. But hey, that’s life.
Sorry for the depressing thoughts, but I have to count on you to listen Void.
My thoughts are with you.