I guess, fine, I am not good in writing. I admit that I suck. Awesome. But, I feel like if I give you my college essay to look over, which I wrote with lots of blood, sweat, tears, and a journey to the lost city of Atlantis inside of myself so that I can know myself better, I am somewhat proud of that essay. I gave you my essay as an EXAMPLE, AN EXAMPLE. I know it is not extraordinary, I know it is not mind blowing, I even know it sounds like a cliché. But I have already turned it in, I have already got into a college, and I got in partly due to the essays.

And if I give you those essays, those ordeals that I had to get over, as an example, it is not because I hand them out in the streets like some kind of fliers, it is because I think you would appreciate the amount of thought, time, and effort that went into this. And, because I consider you a friend that will honestly tell me what you thought of it and what you would take away from it. And, you can tell me how I can improve in the future.

Instead what do I get.

“It’s okay”

…..

Thank you. Thank you for that profound statement. From your few words, a mountain of knowledge has been bestowed upon me. Now I know I can write profound personal statements for medical school and research internships, and I am sure to get in. Thank you so much. You have no idea how grateful I am to you for those few words. You won’t believe it, but…those words have changed my life. I have been living my life wrong. You did not only give me knowledge to write, but gave me plethora of wisdom to live my life. I am eternally grateful.

Okay…I think I got that out of my system. Sorry Void for the petty rant, but I am just erked. The person I gave my essays to look at so that she can write essays is a friend of mine, friend from like fifth grade. We used to write together. And, now that I think about it, it has always been like this. Whenever, I excitedly showed her my stories or anything I write, she would reply with “It’s okay”, “It’s not bad, “Let me change a few things, and it will be better.”

And, me being the sensitive donkey that I am, I would go deeper in the hole of “I am never going to be a good writer” complex.

I am actually quite stuck in that hole…it is tough getting out of there, especially as I have only heard those comments from my past writing “partner” ever since I started writing.

I know, I know, I shouldn’t mind and just keep on doing what I am doing. But, I guess it is the expectation that I have. Ugh, I really need to extinguish all expectation of what I am and what people that I care about think of me. I only get irritated.

I guess I never learn my lesson and always jump on the opportunity when I can help someone. And especially the opportunities that I might also get to learn from. Hence the expectation, and then finally, disappointment. It is a cycle that I have been repeating since I understood that Humans have consciousness…yep since that long.

So, I took out these petty thoughts so that I do not have to think about this again and when someone says exactly those things to me again or something similar, I will be able to smile and be like “Yep, I am just an okay person, an okay writer, an okay student, and an okay human being.”

There are only some people in this world who will truly try to help you..very few people. This is something I do not understand since we are all headed to the same place. Why do people hold back on the things they can give, people they can help?

I guess it is exactly like my father said, “People can only give what they have, they cannot give what they do not have. If they only carry anger within them, that is what you will receive from them.” I think this is a topic I can write about later.

As always, my thoughts are with you Void.

A.D.

 

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