Nobody’s perfect. That is an anthem that has resounded our very generation after Hannah Montana announced it to the world (yes I used to watch Hannah Montana and go ahead judge me). And from the moment I heard it, my arrogant self has changed every social media name I have to something with “nobody” in it, for example, as soon as some one adds me on Group Me, I change my name to nobody. Friends have found this habit of mine strange. Family just acts like this habit of mine does not exist. In fact, they agree that I am a nobody (we will talk about how I am a black sheep of the family when I am in the mood for self pity).
Where am I headed with this spiel you might ask?
Well…I wanted to write about my perfectionist nature. Everything I do perpetuates it, but there is a slight problem with the execution of my self-proclaimed perfect thoughts.
Fine, I lied. There is a BIG problem.
My thoughts might originate from my perfectionist nature but my actions does not. My actions are the complete opposite.
It’s like finding a stray kitten in the road, and you bring it home thinking that you can take care of it, but you are wrong, very wrong. You do not know what to feed it, how to take care of it, you do not even know where the nearest pet hospital is. It’s like the worst possible good deed you attempted to do. Even though you have good intention, you fall short on your abilities to execute your intention.
That is the best imagery I can give about the dissonance between my thoughts and my actions.
I am the fumbler in the team of surgeons.
This sounds really bad, especially since I want to become a doctor, but I cannot deny myself any longer.
How did I become this way? I have tried to think hard, and think far in the past. All I could come up with was that in my past life I was a lone wolf. A lonely teacup that did not have a place in a teapot set. I was so alone in my past life, just like a little cockroach who strayed away from its million brothers, but, now that I actually have family and friends (Totally surprising isn’t it? Who would have thought I could actually make people like me?…I take that back…), I am scared of disappointing them, so in my head I have to get the best results, do everything I can, from infinity and beyond, so that I do not disappoint them.
Ahhh disappointment. That word gives me chills. Whenever I write it, it’s like I created a monster behind a computer screen and a virus popped up in an innocent user’s computer.
I am being serious. I have always loved words, and no word can give the shivers and bad imagery than disappointment. In every nightmare I have had, there is a whisper that constantly echoes “You are a disappointment, a disappointment…..a disappointment.” So needless to say, this word scares me. Sorry for sounding like a whiny little kid, but yeah, it’s the truth.
And some people cannot handle the TRUTH. Some people being me.
So I thought I would dissect this awful nature of mine. It is really bad. I am a person that never cries. When my parents left me alone and moved to a different continent, I smiled and said ” Yeah, guys, this is it. Have a safe journey, I will try to call you once a month… if I can.” And I shut the door, and continued reading my book.
But, if I do something, and the results are not what I wanted, I bawl like a kid who’s candy got stolen.
A quick disclaimer before my example: super nerdiness ahead, and I sincerely apologize for any form of disgust that is induced by the succeeding example.
When I take a test, and I get something wrong due to my incompetence in reading questions, and not because of lack of knowledge, you will not see me for a week..maybe two.
It is bad.
It is like I failed my grandparents, my parents, the cow owned by my great-grandparents, failed the Universe.
And, I failed myself.
It kills me.
But I have become a bit better (I think….okay maybe not), I try to fuel the negative energy as motivation to improve myself for the next big exam or interview. I am …trying to step into the elevator that takes me to the palace of resilience.
However, I know I will have times when my negativity is too heavy and the elevator cannot go up, but will be dragged further into the ground. I guess that is a risk that everyone takes when they open their eyes for the first time. That is the risk of dreaming.
What got me thinking about this? Well, my first year of University is over, and I got really good grades in my classes. But for one class that I was super confident of, I COMPLETELY GUTTERED the final exam. It’s all cool since I still got an A in the class, but I was so confident of the knowledge I had. I have absolutely no idea what I could have gotten wrong, and I usually know.
I am the one of those people that know what I am going to get right after I turn in my exam, and I used to be right 10/10, now it is 9/10. And I want to get better at this subject because I really like it, but I have no idea where the crack in my knowledge is.
UGHHHHH. So to prove to myself that I do know the materials, I am taking the past final exams.
Well, anyway, yeah that even got me thinking. I am a completely incompetent human being, but I cannot change that. All I can do is KEEP MOVING FORWARD (I love “Meet The Robinsons”) and develop myself and freaking read the directions, whether it is in the road, in a test, or in life . Who knows, Universe sometimes might leave hints for us, we just have to keep looking…at least that is what I hope. It does not hurt to get some help.
You guys can now hate me, pity me, empathize with me, sympathize, or just feel super indifferent. It is all cool. I like all sorts of reactions as they gives me an adrenaline rush.
I do not think I have more frustration to vent at this moment. On a side note, you look good today, yes, I am talking to you.
Now the Universe is calling me to do something else, and I said I would read the signs. I will probably have more things to say since I start my very first job ever.
But till then, see you later Void. And, like always, my thoughts are with you.